Finally, shoes uglier than original Crocs

Serious singers know that sometimes they have to make the face real ugly to create the best sound. Just ask super-talents like Jennifer Holliday and Rachelle Ferrell. Well, there’s a similar strain of thought in the world of revolutionary footwear manufacturers - that a shoe not only must perform heads and shoulders above the competitors, but it’s got to be ugly, to boot.

Vibram FiveFingers

So I got a good laugh recently when my friend Patty alerted me to a freakishly hideous shoe out there that manages to make Crocs look like Ferragamos.

They’re called FiveFingers, and they’re made by Vibram. The shoes have patented technology that allows wearers to experience the freedom and feel of going barefoot, but with protection and grip. From ordinary people to a variety of athletes, many wearers claim the shoes provide better balance, greater agility, improved posture. The designs, which cost about $90 a pair, were even named one of Time Magazine’s Best Inventions of 2007.

Armadillo shoes

But when it comes to aesthetics, the lightweight, insulated footwear leave much to be desired. They look like rubberized feet painted in various colors.

And just when I thought I wouldn’t see anything uglier until at least the next Marc Jacobs or Vivienne Westwood collection, along comes a doosy by Alexander McQueen. His high-heeled “Armadillo” shoes are eerily reminiscent of the animal’s body shape and stand a jaw-dropping 12 inches tall.

They are fascinatingly hideous, the E.T. of the footwear industry. Their price? From around $550 to upwards of $4,000 for exotic-skin styles. Kelis and Lady Gaga have been spotted wearing them.

By a show of hands, who thinks these foot-bending, absurdly priced monstrosities would sell like hotcakes if they were made by Betty Anderson? Who’s Betty Anderson? Precisely my point.